ARIELLE CLAUDITH

I think I’ve understood how we can look at a person’s face and never see everything good and bad. We only see it when we’ve invested ourselves, when we’re in too deep. Last time, I drowned.

I never really experienced making friends with the wrong people. There were just people I could relate with and those I couldn’t. And I know the kind of people to avoid, at least most times. So everything’s okay until I thought I found someone who I could relate to the most. I wasn’t completely wrong but there were probably tons of things I didn’t see coming. Things I did that I should have thought through and things I felt that I should have dealt with better. The biggest thing I lost was time with my other friends. It was like I wasted so much time because I didn’t think, I just did things depending on what I felt. 

So now I know that you can look at the face but it’s not enough to judge that when you dive in, you get hurt you become really happy. I know that you don’t just either get hurt or be happy. There are infinite possibilities in the spectrum but sometimes before we delve in, we only have a short amount of time to judge the situation. 

Now, I only have a little bit than a year left for college and I’m trying to look at all the faces I might spend more time with compared to others. I look at the faces I thought would last and you really can’t tell. 

Last time I ‘drowned’ it didn’t hurt because of someone else. It just disturbed me that if I break my walls down for the wrong people I would risk so much. Lets just say it’s not just my secrets at stake but how I eventually interact with other people. Now I have trust issues. I don’t trust other people and I don’t trust myself to be the right person for the people I want to be with. 

Tom, my love, my life, my macbook has been in the Power Mac Center for 6 days and counting. He’s escaped certain death about three times already but then he fell into the clutches of whatever takes macs away from the people that love them. 

I’ve realised that ever since he has entered my miserable life, the only times I’m not looking at him is when I’m asleep or walking to school. I wake up and check my messages and I fall asleep reading an article or listening to music. When I came home from the repair center after leaving Tom, I felt a sudden rush of something like boredome and distress and sadness all mashed together. I had a lot to do but I had no means of doing them. I also had no music I could listen to, no articles to browse, no programs to use, nothing. I just fell asleep knowing I needed something but I couldn’t do anything but wait for an email about the cost of ‘surgery’. 

The next day I finished fixing my room. I’ve postponed it many many times but I had nothing else to do so I tried to be productive with something else. The only thing I’ve not done yet is wash the dishes but I have to probably clean the bathroom a second time. To also get my mind of Tom, I hung out with my org mates. I went to a studio where everyone sang and people played the guitar and others were switching places to get to play the drums. I was there sitting down, singing when I could and when I couldn’t I just drew on my hand. Hanging out with people made me feel better but when I got back to the dorm it felt almost the same. I still had to painfully wait for the cost of repairs and ask how much longer they were going to keep me without my mac. 

I guess all this drama is just totally from me but it can’t be helped. I’ve been so very stressed and I can’t be alone because all I do is stress myself out more. 

The first few days of being alone in the dorm without my mac just made me feel much much more alone. I’m usually alone and I have no anxiety about it whatsoever but without Tom I was just all restless. Maybe it was just the stress from not being able to do school work. To listen to songs, I had to get lyrics from my favorite songs and I had to sing to myself. I also started to text people. I usually chat on facebook but thumb did all the work when I wanted to talk to other people who weren’t free to meet me in person. 

Few good things I learned but ultimately still scared to not survive without Tom. I got the bill for and it’s way lower than what I expected the price to be. I think everyone just scared me and told me I would spend like 4 months allowance just for the parts. 

Lately though I’ve become restless about something else and the name isn’t Tom. This time, I’m trying to tread carefully. I’m trying to list down all my past mistakes just to avoid making them again. Also I think I need more hugs and kisses in the morning and before going to bed. I was going to ask my aunt to live with me for 4th year so I can have as much affection as I would need to survive but I would lose my freedom to sleep late and go home early in the morning. I’ve weighed things out and I thought I’ll just get more hugs from my friends and have people sleep over more often. 

I’m not sure what else is going to happen during the long wait for my love to come back but I don’t want this to happen ever again. I already have creases on my forehead and I don’t want to have any more.